When ‘living the dream’ goes pear-shaped

Pear-shaped is exactly how it feels, some days.  A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  A sadness that won’t be pushed away.  No matter how many times I might repeat ‘get a grip!’  Get a grip!  It’s 18 months since we sold our UK home and renounced life in England, in pursuit of ‘the dream‘.  And yes, we found it.  A world of sunlight and smiling faces.  But often now, I wonder, at what cost?

Of course, we discussed the ‘what ifs’ before we made the move.  What if we’re seriously ill over there, or worse, the youngsters are?  Easily dismissed!  Portugal has a health care system.  Flights are cheap and easy.  Stop right there.  You can see the flaw in the argument now, can’t you?  Why didn’t we?  Hindsight, such a wonderful thing.  It does no good to say, as both children have, ‘but you’re safer there’.  It may well be true.  There is far less density of population here, and steps were taken in good time to help prevent the spread of infection.  But I didn’t come here for safety.  Far from it!  And I definitely didn’t come here to isolate myself from my family.  The dream included happy times shared with them, in this lovely place.  Was I greedy?  Wanting too much?  You can’t have it all, never was truer.

The clock ticks on and there is no real comfort in sight.  Flights can be, have been, booked, but there is no certainty that they will operate.  And what of the quarantine measures that may be applied?  Which employer is going to say ‘go, have a good time, and take an extra 2 weeks when you come back to self isolate’?  If there is still a job available.

The pragmatic view.  All things must pass?  But in the meantime I feel like I have betrayed my children.  Deliberately distanced myself when help, both physical and emotional, might be needed.  Hoodwinked, both them and me.  Overreacting?  Maybe so, but that expression ‘a heavy heart’- I know just how it feels.  Gradually things are starting to normalise here, and I can’t deny spontaneous joy at walking on beaches again, and meeting with friends.  But the future feels precarious, in a way it never did, ‘before’.

162 comments

  1. Hmm I can relate to you! I’m in the same situation- moved all the way to Canada, from India before three months hoping that my son from US can drop in n out more often only to find ourselves locked down in our respective places! Now I just am thankful to god for at least keeping us safe during this difficult times… stay safe, stay happy 🤗🤗🤗

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  2. So sorry that you are second-guessing your decision, but thankful that you have shared your feelings with us. We all are making choice every day, but we don’t always know at the time if these are good choices or not. Only time will tell for you, but I do hope that you can adjust, and your family can adjust, to the change. Best wishes for a good life no matter where you are. Hopefully, you’ll get into a rhythm and begin to appreciate what you have done even more.

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    1. I don’t have any thoughts of returning to England on a permanent basis. I’m much too settled and happy here. I just wish the situation there was better for my youngsters, and I can never change that. Thank you for your kind wishes 🤗💕

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  3. Oh Jo, I sense such struggle in your words. Dealing with the havoc of this virus has been so challenging for so many, myself included. We are all doing the very best we can to stay connected to our loved ones but not being able to hug them & physically see them has been so hard. Toss in the complication of a flight into that mix, well I can only imagine how stressful that feels.

    As so many have commented here, you made a life decision, not only to fulfill a dream of your own, but to also provide a wonderful environment for family to come & stay. All wonderful, positive reasons.

    Who knows how all of this will eventually play out but I truly hope we will once again have the ability to travel. In the meantime my friend, I hope you can find some solice in the beautiful landscape you currently reside in. Time to reflect, time to think & time for your heart to feel a wee bit lighter. Luv & hugs, L💕

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  4. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your decision, Jo. There is always risk involved when chasing a dream, but it also takes courage. You had a dream and you went for it. Many people come to the end of their life and wish they had done more dream chasing. I think now, during such an unprecedented time in the world, it’s so easy to second guess every choice we’ve made up until this moment. My parents live 6 miles away and I haven’t seen them since March 13th. Given the situation, I’m not sure when I’ll see them because I couldn’t live with myself if I exposed them to this horrible virus. I know my mother, who has Alzheimer’s is deteriorating each day. I’ve struggled with losing precious time with her. I’m fearful that she’ll forget me, so each morning, I send a video which my father plays for her, so she’ll remember my face. Things are hard right now, but I refuse to accept this as “the new normal.” I’m clinging to my faith that we will make it through this. You will see your family and I know I’ll see mine. Take care of yourself. ❤

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    1. Thanks so much for this, Jill. I knew about your mother and her vulnerable situation. It must be so hard for you and yet you stay so positive and cheerful. I’m usually sunny side up on the blog but I believe in telling the truth. Often a little too bluntly 🤣. Writing about it sometimes helps to get it in perspective and you can see from the amazing responses how kind people are. I hope that your situation improves soon but in the meantime I admire your strength. The videos are a wonderful thing to do. Sending hugs darlin 🤗💕💕

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  5. The mere thought of packing and moving away from home is a challenge itself. I recall a story about a guy who wanted to live in Florida with his bt. On his retirement day at work, we pull the boat. Yes, he went to Florida, but discovered there was much more to life than a boat in Florida. He returned to Ohio in less than a year.

    Toss in the current pandemic, oh boy – I can’t imagine the feeling. Hopefully just writing this post helped. But like your kids said, you are safer there – and that’s a good thing. The future? Who knows … just be wise and patient.

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    1. Wise, almost never, and patient, impossible Frank. I was at the back of the queue when that was handed out. 🤣🤣 We won’t return to the UK but I wish things were better there for my youngsters. 💕

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  6. I’ve got another friend in exactly the same position and she feels just as you do. She is in the Loire but has sunk all her money in the property there and no hope of re-selling and returning to the UK even when things pick up. Her children and grandchildren can’t visit now as they used to and she is feeling terribly alone: lots of ex-pats in her area got out before the lock down. My own closest family members live in Sweden and I don’t know when I shall see them, they used to come over 3 or 4 times a year and I would visit them once a year. In between my sister and I would have a couple of holidays together. Now gone, all gone, and we are feeling the separation keenly. I can only imagine how it is for you.
    Look inside for your normal optimism and think that this thing will be over soon and we shall get back to some sort of normality. Fares may never be as cheap again though, that is something we may have to deal with, but at least if jobs are still secure(ish) and the possibility is there, it doesn’t feel so bad.

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    1. Job security for my son is an enormous worry, Mari. They pay huge city centre rent in Leeds and are trying to get onto the property ladder, but someone keeps moving the goal posts. I’m so lucky here because we’ve made some lovely friends and social life is starting to resume. I’m happy in my own company, though I suspect the other half is glad of a change. It’s just the difficulty of seeing the youngsters any time soon and the not knowing. 😕💕

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  7. Difficult times Jo and as others have said so unexpected and rapid. No way could anyone have seen it coming and decisions can only be made in the moment. I am sure your UK family are pleased you are away from what is the madness of England at the moment and you have a beautiful place for them to come and visit you as soon as they can. Sending you hugs and keep walking in your beautiful new home land and showing us its beauty. Best wishes from the other side of the world.

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  8. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down Jo. When you moved there full time you couldn’t have predicted what was going to happen now – you went with the best intentions and did what was right for you at the time and I don’t think any of your family would now be saying ‘you shouldn’t have gone just in case anything bad happens’. It’s a situation we can’t currently change so I think it’s best to accept it for what it is at the moment, ride out the storm and know that these ‘bad’ days will be over eventually – and when you do finally meet up with your family those hugs will be more precious than ever.

    Emotionally I suppose I’m lucky in a way as I don’t have a family. I lost both my parents back in 2005 and only have one living aunt and three cousins, we were never close and I rarely see any of them anyway so not seeing them now makes no difference. I’m just thankful that my son came back to live with me when his marriage broke up three years ago – we support each other and that’s all either of us needs right now.

    Thinking of you and wishing you happier days soon xx

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    1. Bless you, Eunice. People are so kind. The situation here does not feel so tense now and I suppose I want things to move along in the UK too. Who knows if there’ll be a backwards step to come? You are lucky to have your son for company. Some people living alone have really struggled with this. 🤗💕

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  9. Dear Jo, everyone feels the same horrible dread. We all try and just think as far as next week’s food and these 4 walls. My mother who only lives 100 miles away in Stroud says the same sorts of things ;-“What if I never see any of you again?” She says this as I am speaking to her on messenger. She can see me but its not the same.
    You made your decision based on the information you had at the time. You did not have a crystal ball. I think you are safer in Portugal. I dont trust the British government to look after its people, especially the elderly. There were 50,000 deads that did not need to happen in the UK. Despite that people here are not generally wearing face masks in public which worries me that we will have a second wave soon. So enjoy the sunshine and fresh air there. You are better off there. Your children will be happier knowing that too! They will want to to be happy. I am pretty sure that not one of them thinks you “betrayed” them!

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    1. Thanks, Emma. I know many people are in much worse situations and I generally love being here. My daughter works closely with the NHS and is very pessimistic about the outcome. But we feel so far removed from it here. It’s a different reality. I worry so much more for those at home than I ever have for myself. 🤗💕

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  10. Jo, sending you a hug. You could be in the UK and your children in another country or perhaps in another part of the UK, meaning that you still wouldn’t see each other.

    My siblings and families overseas and us are all hoping our aged parents stay well, until this is over.

    I think you made the right choice to go to Portugal it is a difficult time no matter how close we live to family.

    Take care and I’m sure you will make up for lost time. Kia Kaha, Jo X

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    1. The date seems to get further away all the time, Suzanne. I saw my son at Christmas and we should have been there in April. He should have been arriving here today but we now have a flight booked for the end of July. If he comes we don’t know at this stage if quarantine will apply when he returns to the UK. Probably… So when? I know I’m certainly not the only one in this situation or much worse. And I know I should count my blessings. I do… But you can sense a ‘but’ coming along 🤔. I must have been at the back of the queue when patience was handed out. 🤣🤣 Thanks for the hug! 💕

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      1. Ditto regarding the patience. It’s how you are feeling that’s for you. There will always be someone worse off or better than you. Fingers crossed for July. I just wouldn’t like countries to be in a hurry as this virus can cause more damage. My brother and family had to cancel flights. Luckily he got his money back.

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      2. The 2nd sentence should’ve read. Yours feelings are important 🙂 I need more caffeine. I better get organised I have a wall to paint!

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  14. I agree with all the preceding commenters! Which one of us anticipated this? We made the best decisions we could with the information we had. I beat myself up from the opposite point of view – as a daughter. My mum has always been adamant she didn’t want care workers coming into her house and I went along with that. She was managing well with my help, but I wasn’t expecting that most of the help I give would be so suddenly and forcibly withdrawn. We’re still just about managing but only because I bend the rules a bit. Should I have insisted? Maybe I would now be beating myself up about carers going in and potentially passing on the virus. So I suppose my point is that whatever we decide there will always be “what ifs”. We have to do our best to live with those. Hugs and solidarity.

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    1. Of course, Anabel. I fully understand your situation, and I know there are many people with more grief in their lives than me, by a long way. It’s having your hands tied that is getting to me. Time to smile, and carry on. Thank you! 🙂 🙂

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  16. Jo, I do feel for you. As your other commenters have said, we can only work with information we had at the time. And particularly as Caryl has said, I too haven’t seen my family for well over two months. Bolton, London, Barcelona – it’s all the same – all are equally unattainable. Physically, we could get to Bolton and London, though not Barcelona. But we can’t. We couldn’t enter their houses, nor they ours. Both English branches of the family could have done with our help as they juggle with home-working and childcare, but we can no more offer it than we could have done if we were still in France. Truly, though you feel horribly distant, even 20 miles is horribly distant these days. Thinking of you Jo, and sending a virtual hug. Virtual hugs is all any of us get these days, wherever we live xx

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    1. Thanks, darlin! It’s becoming so long term, Margaret. My daughter will be 50 next February and is not planning her celebration because of the restraints. I am hoping she’s being pessimistic but she works alongside the NHS and says this is reality.

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  17. Oh Jo, such a sad post but completely understandable. I have to say, we’re happy to be in England right now and not Spain. It must be so difficult for you. Hopefully you’ll be able to get on a plane soon or your family can visit you and maybe spending some time in the UK or having your family there with you will give you the clear head space to decide what you really need that is best for you all. Nothing is permanent and plans can be changed, even if you have to change the colour of your dream. Stay safe, and try to stay happy until things get better xx

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    1. I don’t anticipate that we will change, Tanya, and thank you for taking the time to respond here. Mostly I’m fine, but I would like some certainty that I could see my family in the near future. Many thanks, and sending you hugs. 🙂 🙂

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  18. I feel for you but don’t be hard on yourself. If your family lived just a few miles away it is still lockdown and I hadn’t seen my grandchildren for two months. Still not able to hug them or help out with childcare- which I normally do twice a week. Be kind to yourself and we will all be re united soon I’m sure. Sending very best wishes.

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  19. You made the decision with the information you had available at the time Jo. If I were in your shoes I would have made the same decision. I don’t think it’s helpful to look back and think “if only I’d known”. No one could have known in December what was coming. I admire you for taking the decision to move. I think it shows courage to break out of the norm. The current circumstances will pass. I wish you a peaceful day.

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    1. I know that what you say is true, Denzil, aside from the courage involved. I do have a strong depressive streak- morbid, my husband would say- and sometimes it helps to ‘write it out of my system’. Thank you for your kindness 🙂 🙂

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  20. Such difficult times aren’t they Jo especially if you are separated from loved ones by distance. I can imagine you must feel as if you have let some people down but there’s absolutely no way this situation could have been predicted and I’m sure not a single one of them would have told you not to go ‘just in case’. These lockdowned days will be over sooner or later and hopefully the world will appreciate family and friends more than they ever have now.

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      1. It is definitely one of those times when it’s so easy to let things get on top of you though. We all have down days, just a matter of trying to see the best of every situation I guess. Counting your blessings and all that jazz.

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